maylands - peeping tom misunderstanding
one night in the recent past i was driving home drunk when i realised that i was too drunk to drive so i parked my car and realised i was in my old hometown maylands. i had lived away from the big M for two or three years so i decided to walk around and relive all my most precious memories.
i went to my old sharehouse on Sherwood street and spent a while looking at the frontyard. then i went around the side and looked over the fence at the backyard. the asbestos shack had been demolished, the cape lilac cut down and there was no more remnants of tim's wheat field.
i wanted to see the inside of the house so i went further up and peered over but i could only see glimpses of the stucco wall through the venetian blinds. if i wanted to see the house again i would have to knock on the door. i decided to try that again tomorrow.
i walked up the street to the pan hoarders house, where an African lady had 100 rusty pots and pans atop the roof of her shed. i had always wondered if they were held there by gravity or if she had somehow glued them down to prevent stealing.
while trying to pry a stainless steel pan off the roof, not merely to steal it but to test out my glue-down hypothesis, i heard a large OI.
YOU FUCKIN CREEPY CUNT LOOKIN OVER FENCES GET THE FUCK ERE, and a big bull dog was hurtling towards me.
yaaaaa i said as the bulldogs jaws clamped around the shin area of my denim jeans. i tried to explain that i was merely being wistful and nostalgic but the man was still yelling and swearing using the F word and C word which i have come to learn is unproductive language ***.
i jumped over the pan hoarders fence and ran down the driveway of her complex and jumped the fence again, exiting onto Guildford road. i ran all the way to my friend laurents house, jumped his fence and lay down in the space between the fence and the bush. Laurent and laura came home and i stood back up and said g'day.
they let me stay in their house for 45 minutes until we were sure the neighbourhood watch was no longer looking for me. then they dropped me to my car. i was still above the drink drive limit but i drove home anyway because it was safer inside the car than outside of it.